


lost and found

by missmayhem



Series: Finding Home [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-11 22:44:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmayhem/pseuds/missmayhem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you move on when you've lost everything? How to you heal when your world crashes down around you? Ronon/ofc friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

May turned on to her side and after a few minutes, she turned on to her back. She stared up at the ceiling, her eyes tracing the patterns in hope that it would tire her eyes out, after what feels like hours she glanced over at her clock to see that only 10 minutes have gone by, It was her first day at the new job and so far, things were going well. She had just been introduced to Atlantis and found an office that had not only a great sea view, but she wasn't sharing it with anyone else. Everyone seemed to be nice, not that she had met many people. She got up and sat in front of the mirror not recognising the women staring back. Her eyes were dull and she had a sallow look, there were bags under her eyes. She stared at herself in the mirror, not really seeing, till the sun rose and she started to get dress.

Dr May Hemming had studied linguist anthropology and had a distinction that was very rare, she had been contacted by museums, courted by universities and the Government had been trying to get her to work for them her for over a year all before she had graduated. Having got her masters, she had decided that she wanted a family and at 28, she wanted to go on and get her PhD when her partner, Tim had finally proposed at her graduation, she loved him so they were to be married, and a family would be on the way after a year or two. She would pick up her studies after that, she was in no rush. Then the worst had happened, he had been killed. Happy and healthy one day and snuffed out the next, just gone! Then this other life had come crashing down on her; it had been too much for her. She disappeared. See looked for the most remote assignment she could and got the hell out of dodge. Her friend had contacted her about a year ago. Some overseas programme the government had on offer. At the time she had Tim and a nice little life tied up in a cosy little packages. When her friend Dr Elizabeth Weir had turned up on her doorstep offering her a part of the Atlantis expedition, May had jumped without really looking. Suffice to say the next month was a whirlwind. She had been filled in on the Stargate program and she realised her prayers had been answered when she was told the Atlantis was in galaxy another.

She had spent most of the trip there in her quarters, learning basic ancient

So now that she was here, she was finally standing still, he had crept up on her. Her demons had followed her but this time there was literally nowhere to run.


	2. Chapter 2

Atlantis was a big place and direction was not one of her strong points she had already asked two officers and didn't want to ask a third but as she come around the corner 'oomph' into something solid and warm and as she jumped back two arms reached out to grab her. she tried to hide the flinch that came with the contact but instead she look down to cover the blush now spreading across her face. As she slowly raised her eyes and saw a tan shirt and then a leather necklace and dreads surrounding olive green eyes.

"I'm sorry I wasn't looking...I...erm I seem to be lost...sorry."

As she stepped aside to let the impressive male through she notice, he wasn't wearing a uniform and though he looked military there was something more dangerous about him. As the male moved on she turn back to him intrigued and started to introduce herself, not wanting to be rude

"I'm May Hemming. Pleased to meet you..." she offered her hand

"Ronan, Dex" the male said turning back. Not only did he take the offered hand but grabbed her wrist, May understood now that his man was a warrior and the grip was to check that she had no concealed weapon, she gripped him back and smiled. And as she smiled it clicked, this was the warrior that everyone had warned her about on the Daedalus. The man that put countless marines in the infirmary. So they said.

'You're the sedatan they warned me about."

"And what do they say." He asked staring at her a slight smirk graced his lips, she was new but she was the first person out side of SGA1, 2 and Dr. weir who had tried to talk him.

she blushed and looked down,

"That you were a runner, erm the wraith destroyed you home planet," she looked up, "that you can take on an army of wraith and need four stunners before you go down."

He just looked into her eyes; people felt intimidated by him and tended to mumble around him. She wasn't scared of him at all. He looked at her again, she's been through hell he thought. Her eyes looked haunted and dull the smile didn't reach them at all; they held so much sorrow for one so young. Yet he could tell from her face, the sorrows were recent. He turned to leave, feeling he could add nothing further to the conversation.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend" she called, her voice soft, as though she hadn't meant for him to hear. He turned around to talk to her but she had continued on her way. He watched her, her shoulders slumped, heavy she walked like she had no energy. She stopped at the end of the corridor and looked around, clearly lost

"Are you lost?" He called

"Erm..." turning back round. "is there a transport near here? Second day here and the corridors all look the same." she looked down as a faint blush spread over her cheeks giving colour to her pale face

He grunted and started to walk past May to a door that opened to reveal a transporter

so close she thought cringing but said "Thank you, Goodbye"

Ronon waited 'til the transporter doors closed. He couldn't get her eyes out of his mind. He shook his head to clear them but found himself thinking about the haunted young women throughout the day

Elisabeth smiled as she spotted May enter the gate room and took a minute to study her friend, she hides her hurt well thought Elisabeth. However, she noted how her shoulders seem to have the weight of the world. Her body language told Dr. Weir that she was still not sleeping much. She felt concern for her friend, and wondered if bringing her to Atlantis so soon was the best thing for her. But May had jumped at the opportunity as though it were a life line and they had wanted her for a while.

"May" she called from the balcony and saw her friend look up with a shallow smile and a wave.

"Glad you could make it." Elisabeth teased knowing her friend as they met on the stairs. "How many did you ask?"

"Only two" May said giving that smile again. It was their customary greeting to see how many people she asked for direction.

As they walked into Lizzie's office, she replied.

"Would have been more but I bumped into Ronan, literally"

"Ouch! Are you okay. I heard he makes people cry with just a look."

"No, he's not so bad but yes he showed me were the transporter was, he doesn't talk much does he." She said quietly

"No but the fact that he didn't ignore you is a good sign" Liz said with a smile

From then on, it became all about work. Dr. Weir being one of a few who can read Ancient and she had specifically asked for May the first time round. She hoped having a linguist on base would speed up the translation of the Ancient database. When Dr Weir saw how much her friend became wrapped up in learning the new language, she knew May was in the right place for her to grieve and heal.

As May collapsed on her bed early next morning, exhausted but very happy she had successfully translated and spoke ancient, and even corrected Dr. Weir. A new language for her was like candy to a kid. Like her very own adrenaline rush. She fell asleep quickly and for the first time since he died she didn't dream.

At first, she worked from Elizabeth's office, but after two weeks and three teams coming through the gate with emergencies, that morning alone, she suggested May start to use her office.

Another four weeks went by without notice. She would work until she couldn't see and stumble to bed or sometimes she would just sleep in her office. She buried herself in work, desperate to ignore the clawing grief.


	3. Chapter 3

Ronon was puzzled, his curiosity was peeked and this was unusual for him. For about two weeks SHE was always in Dr. Weir's office, it had become a comfort, he saw here and knew everthing was alright. If Atlantis was in danger she would be elsewhere, but then she disappeared. 

Did she go home? Why did he care? The questions resounded in his head. Where did she go? Who was she?

For Ronon pain and hurt was a physical thing, it radiated out from people, most people miss the small facial expressions or body language. Ronon, being on alert for anyone who acted suspicious, he could tell what a person was about to do by these subtle movements. This meant he could also detect what a person was feeling; it was a good heads up in combat but made it hard to ignore people. Her especially, her eyes, her haunted eyes had haunted him. The pain and hurt came off her in waves and yet she didn't share it, not with anyone, he had watched her for two weeks and the pain didn't lessen. It puzzled him, earthlings shared everything, it's all they did and it was annoying to him but her silence was puzzling.

Ronon didn't like unanswered questions, it frustrated him. And he was tired of being frustrated.

Whack whack whack thud... "ow" Ronon exclaimed in surprise rubbing his lower back

"Sorry" John winced mentally at the payback he was sure to get.

Ronon grunted tried to clear his head and concentrate on the sparing match at hand

Whack, the banto rod echoed off each other, whack, whack thud "ow" Ronon exclaimed in annoyance of being hit again.

Not wanting to anger the warrior, john decided that two hits was pushing his luck

"Ok enough. What's up?" he moved over to the bench and through Ronon a bottle of water

Ronon shrugged he knew that John could be relentless in his teasing but knew that he would not find the answers to his puzzle without help. He took a drink trying to find the right words,

John waited patiently

Ronon let out a breath. "Preoccupied."

"About?"

"A girl"

John smiled and quickly adopted a neutral face, about time! Who? He thought but only said "Oh?"

Ronon nodded. He couldn't describe why he was worried, or why he wanted to find her but his instincts told him he needed to. He had often marvel at the innocence of the Lantains. Seeing one of them so full of pain, so, so, devoid of light just didn't sit well with the runner.

"She looked... haunted." He said slowly. "Wasn't afraid of me, though. She gone now."

John could raised his eyebrows, shocked at the first statement and intrigued by the second.

Ronon had only referred to that haunted looked once before, when he talked of people he had seen trapped on wraith ships;- A look of someone who had literally seen hell and cruelly, was still alive. His eyes had hardened when he spoke of it. His hate for the wraith barely contained.

The destruction of innocence, john thought. He had wondered how the inhabitants of the Pegasus galaxy lived day to day with a sword of Damocles hanging overhead.

He was glad Ronon was taking an interest. His reputation made it difficult for people to talk to him and Ronon was out of practice when it came to social interactions. So someone that wasn't afraid of the big guy was a welcome change. He knew Ronon got frustrated by the wide berth most seem to give him. The rest simply wanted to bed him, and were not to subtle about it. More than once Ronon had been at a lost on how to deal with it.

John once again adopted a neutral expression.

"We can look in the computer to see if she is still here." He offered,

Ronon nodded again, her pale face swimming in his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been 6 weeks since May had come to Atlantis and 4 since she had moved to her new office.  
she was ahead of schedule and feeling a little stale.  
May decided she was going to take a whole day off from working and finally explore the city. Realising that getting lost was more than likely, she uploaded a map of Atlantis on to her tab and decided to find routes from her quarters and office to all the non essential places she might need to visit. 

A few hours later and she had successfully found the rec. room, and the make shift bar, all she needed was the gym and she would have a full house. However, the gym was harder to find and no matter where she went, it still eluded her. Giving up she came across some stairs and got curious, at the top of the stairs to her surprise was an observation deck that overlooked the gym and someone had set up a dance studio complete with mirror and a bar.   
Feeling stale from six weeks of inactivity May decided to try remember some of the ballet she had learnt as a teenager, she could never have danced for a career but it helped her to stay supple and in shape. Breathing slow she started on her first position raising her arms slowly she moved on to second and then third to warm up before she tried to remember the routine she had learnt. She was half way through the routine, when the doors below opened to reveal Ronon entering. May knew she should go and was about to when Ronon started warming up and May was mesmerised. She was not attracted to the man but she could appreciate male beauty when it was in front of her and so she stayed, promising that she would go in a minute. Then one minute became five and then ten and then Teyla walked in and she knew that she had to stay and watch.

Ronon walked into the gym and immediately knew that someone was there he inhales as deeply and as subtle as he could. Citrus, lime?, he thought. Female. So he waited for her to make herself known, but nothing happened so Ronon started to warm up. He hoped to have her slip out, thinking she would be scared of him. But as he was warming up he caught a glimpse of the elusive red head on the balcony, her flame red hair stood out against Atlantis's muted and dull colours

It's her, she's here! I've found her or she's found me.The last thought made him want to smile. They, John and himself, had checked and found that she was still on the base and that she had her own office away from the gate room. He had changed his running route, mostly out of boredom, but also so he could find her; he was intrigued but patient, he felt no attraction towards her but was curious all the same, he found many earthlings interesting but most just cowered at the sight of him and this was annoying. He was fighting everyday to keep their enemies away and he was still an outsider to most of them, Sheppard and his team seem to be the only ones not afraid of him and, it seemed, now her. He wanted to know what made her so different. He couldn't help thinking about her even now. Her haunted eyes appeared in front of his vision

Ronon decided to just carry on and catch her when she tried to leave. Keeping himself in check he purposely didn't look at the balcony and started to warm up, ten minutes later he was barely breaking sweat and Teyla walked in, she too felt the presence and turned to Ronon and silently asked for an explanation with a raise of her eyebrow but Ronon just shrugged and they started to spar. After about ten minutes, the red head had gone and Ronon was eager to follow. Promising Teyla that he would explain later, he left to see if he could find her. Ronon found her looking over her shoulders as she came down the stairs with a tablet and jacket in hand, she was so intent on making sure that she was not heard that she didn't notice him stood there until she was almost at the bottom step. It gave him chance to really look at the woman.

Her uniform was baggy and ill fitting, as if it was made for someone who weighed more. Her body language was sad and tired. When he looked closer he could see her face was clear of the cosmetics, he had seen on the other female staff. Her cheeks were still pale and they looked , as though she wasn't not eating enough, he had noticed her ice blue eyes didn't look as hunted, almost brightened by the exercise but the skin beneath looked darkened the result of not enough sleep he thought. Her red hair, was tied back into a bun with wispy strands making a very pretty halo around her face and currently her face was a pink colour from embarrassment of being caught out

May blushed as soon as she saw him, rats! she thought he knows, of course he would know if someone was watching him, she scolded herself, great, he's gonna think I've got a crush on him, oh hell! Her mind in wheeling but managed to say "Hello again." cursing that her voice sounded more like a squeak.

"Enjoy the show?" He replied smirking.

May looked at Ronon and decided to go daring.

"Yes but you interrupted my workout so I decide to watch, you are a very good fighter, Teyla too." Her eyes flashed briefly in defiance. And once again his curiosity was peeked.

Ronon shrugged and noticed the map on the tablet, "getting lost again"

"Actually no, I was finding routes to everywhere so I don't get lost." She said as she showed him, "see my quarters, the gate room, my office and the mess, infirmary, the rec. room and now the gym."

"So you get lost a lot,"

May blushed. "That's why I was making routes.' My friends called me compass."

Ronon just looked confused,

May sensing Ronons confusion covered herself quickly, ''it's a joke, an earth thing, never mind'', not wanting to bore the man with her faults

''Oh''

May felt the embarrassment return, as her joke fell flat so she decided to take action.

''So it was nice to see you again.'' she held out her hand and immediately withdrew it, feeling rather stupid, and hurried past him before her face was bright red again. She continued down the corridor and turned left only to hear Ronon say

''You need to go right first and then a left.''

May stopped in her tracks and turned to face him a puzzled look crossed her face.

"The map'' Ronon said and as May looked down at her tab and realised Ronon was right so she smiled sheepishly and turned right, as she hurried away she could hear Ronon chuckling to himself.

I wonder...she thought as a an idea struck her


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later Dr. Weir was worried. The latest update from May was in the early hours of the morning and the three before had been at even odder times. Elizabeth had a feeling that May was working herself into the ground, she understood the need to distract yourself from problems but she was worried May would burnout and be sent away from Atlantis.

She found May asleep at her desk; Elizabeth looked at her friend, May looked sad, even as she slept. She couldn't help but see her computer screen was on sadtan culture and custom. It had her smile, she wa glad her friend was taking an interest in something beyond working. Maybe May had made a friend after all.

Liz gently shook her awake and convinced her to join her for lunch. As they walked into the mess hall they filled their trays and, looking for a place to sit, Elizabeth saw SGA1 sitting at a table in the corner. Despite May's quiet protest they sat down she and Liz made introduction.

"May this is Colonel John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan, Doctor Rodney McKay and I believe you have already met Ronon Dex, everyone this is Doctor May Hemming."

John was talking about the latest DVD collection the Daedalus had brought with them, last time they had brought the new Star Trek film and Rodney had immediately ordered the original films claiming that they were better, and tonight Ronon and Telya were going to be the judge.

May sat down with SGA1 and listen politely while the banter went back and forward, she didn't realise she was eating unfilled her plate was empty. Liz had filled her plate up claiming that if they were sitting with Ronon extra food was necessary. While Ronon had take bits of food from the surrounding plates he had taken nothing from her own. She had eaten a full meal for the first time in months and not even realised it.

While the banter was going on John put two and two, together and realised this was the girl that Ronon was worried about. He looked at her and couldn't help but agree with Ronon she did look haunted and hollow. He decided to invite both women to join them for the movie night.

"I thought it was only for teams, I wouldn't want to intrude." She looked like a deer caught in headlight, Ronon stiffened at her discomfort. He wanted to say something but as usual, he was at a lost and said nothing.

"C'mon we've got popcorn and beer." John coaxed

''Not really a selling point for me, but thank you anyway''. May replied a small smile crossed her lips shaking her head.

"C'mon I'm going to be stuck watching old films and a little company would be nice." John said flashing his most charming smile. John saw that she was still undecided and added his most charming "please.'' He also saw Ronon stiffen at his insistences

May hesitated, on the verve of saying no again, when Liz intervened. "We'd love too John, thank you, what time?"

"6 30 at mine." May looked over at her so-called friend NO! She thought trying her best to keep the discomfort from her face.

"Sounds fun"

May felt trapped, she didn't want to go, she didn't want to make friends it would only make this harder if they ever found out.

She then quickly excused herself, claiming she had more work to do. She missed the scowl Ronon sent to John and Dr. Weir in her hurry to leave.

She knew she was running from them but couldn't stop the need to get out and away. She was almost at the door when Ronon caught up with her. He placed a hand on her arm to get her attention and she jumped back at the contact and turn to face him.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to." He said softly trying to not overwhelm her, he stood back to give her space

she wanted to find an excuse tonight go but she couldn't come up with anything that wasn't a lie.

She looked down. "It's not that." She said quietly playing with her hands nervously She looked at the table she had left and saw them at ease and laughing.

"I, I'm.." I'm scared, I don't want them to hate me. I don't want you to hate me. She thought.

Ronon saw her eyes dull as she struggled to finish the sentence. She looked down and then as if a switch had been flipped she was composed. Her hand stopped and were placed behind her back her face was void of all emotion.

"I don't know how to get there." She said coolly as her eyes didn't quite met his.

Ronon nodded. "I'll pick you up at 6 20." He turned and walked back to the table before she could protest.

She watched him go and as he sat down, he said something to colonel Sheppard and cuffed him on the arm. The colonel just shrugged his shoulders.

May left to go back to work.

She had withdrawn he thought, not really paying attention to the conversation around him. She was nervous and scared and then suddenly not. Had he scared her? She jump back when I touched her. Had she been hurt?

Ronon felt a hand cover his he looked around and found the table empty apart form Dr. Weir. Who had witness the exchange and saw her friend put her walls up.

"She's not afraid of you." She said. And when she saw Ronon's doubtful expression. "Trust me she's not." She added.

"What happened?" He couldn't help himself.

"She hasn't said and I wouldn't betray her if she does." Dr. Weir confirmed what Ronon already knew. She nodded to Ronon and got up to leave.

He took his plate back to the kitchen. He needed someone to talk to, someone who wouldn't tease, him someone who would explain this to him. he walked in the kitchen to find Naomi, the head chief making cake.

"what's up, Dex?" She said smiling. He shrugged, still a little confused.

"Park you bum" she nodded to a seat. She was pouring cake mixture in to a tray to go in the oven. She handed him the empty bowl for him to lick clean, she had introduced him to this little tradition when he first arrived.

"Tell me all about it." She said as she placed the cakes in the oven.

He told her what he had observed, including today.

She made frosting as she listened; only asking a few questions to clarify things.

When he was finished, he asked "what do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

"I want to hurt the person who hurt her."

"Who would that help?"

He sighed.

"How did you feel when you first came here?"

His expression darkened as he thought of his life before Atlantis He remembered

"She properly feels some of what you did, except I recon' scared too."

Ronon cocked his head in disbelief.

"I'm not saying she went through what you did," she said holding her hands up to stop Ronon from getting offended, "but pain is pain no matter the cause. Emotional pain is not something that can be measured."

"If, someone on earth hurt her, maybe she scared of being shipped back." She stopped to think.

"You said she withdraws from you."

He nodded.

"From her actions around you, I agree with our wise leader. She's not afraid of you."

Again Ronon looked at her in disbelief.

"What did she do when you first meet?"

He thought back. "She offered me her hand."

Naomi smiled and inclined her head.

He nodded again, and couldn't help but smile, the ones that were afraid of him shrank back physically from him.

"What do I do?" He asked again.

"You want instructions?" she asked. "You know them already."

He nodded.

Naomi breathed out thinking.

"Erm. Keep physical contact to a minimum for a start. Let her make the next move as far as that goes."

She bit her lip, thinking again.

"Talk to her tell her about you. I know you don't like doing that but it puts other people at ease, she might reciprocate but I doubt it."

"Try finding something in common. Foods always a good one, everyone need to eats. This will be ready by tonight." she hinted.

He put the bowl in the sink and mored towards the exit. "Thanks Ni." he said as he walked away.

"Ronon." She said quietly. He stopped and turned back.

"I have to ask. What is she to you?"

He shrugged "Don't know. Important."

"Check you feelings, if they are romantic in any way, then you need to leave it be."

He nodded and carried on. Deep in thought.


	6. Chapter 6

May was nervous! She really was out of practice. It had been years since she had made new friends.

she accepted the job in Atlantis a week after Tim had died. She had no family and no one that would really miss her, she had people to study with but when Tim propose they had began looking for a house and planning a future that was very different from her peers and with no common ground to keep them together they had drifted apart and May had let it. She had been here six, almost seven weeks since then, with only Liz to hang out with, she had worked as much as possible. She chided herself for having butterflies; you're not that out of practice so stop feeling nervous, she thought looking at her wardrobe again for the third time in 10 minutes, sighing from the lack of clothes. She would just have to make do, pulling out an old pair of stone wash kick flare jeans and her favourite black top out and a purple boyfriend cardigan. She laid them on the bed and went for a shower. One thing she loved about Atlantis, hot water any time.

Stepping out of the shower she dried her hair and left it loose, for a change, she put on her trouser, frowning at how loosed they felt, she hunted for a belt, the top wasn't too bad she slipped at tank top underneath. She looked at herself in the mirror. Have I really lost that much weight? She wondered. She saw a thin woman in the mirror. She always prided herself on looking healthy, not a stick figure or overweight. However, the women in front of her was very thin the clothes almost swamped her. I will eat she said to herself. Telling herself it wasn't good enough. She needed to eat. She promised herself three square meals and she would get some food tonight before bed.

She nodded to herself in satisfaction at her new plan, and just as she was running a brush through her hair as the door chime sounded, she meet Ronon at the door.

''Hi'' she said greeted him.

''Ready to go'' he asked,

''Yep'' she said as she grabbed a thin cardigan, just in case.

They made their way to the colonel's quarters. They walked in silence, at ease with each other. She hesitated slightly at the doors, but Ronon placed a hand on her lower back to encouraged her in but she flinched at the contact and ronon withdraw his hand

John's quarters were a little bigger than May's and he had room for a two-seater couch and a small footstool. They were set up to include the bed as possible seats surrounding a TV set on the desk. Ronon flopped down on the couch and made himself comfortable, he gestured for her to join him on the settee but May choose the footstool, still next to him but not as close. As she sat john let them know he was going to make popcorn. In the little kitchenette around the corner and left them alone

One by one the rest of SGA1 joined them and before long they started the film

The film bored them before the Enterprise left the docking station and the volume was turned down so that people could talk, which quickly turned into who saved whom. John was trying to impress May by recounting the story of Rodney getting shot in the gluteus maximum with an arrow. Rodney, had then, chirped in that it had been his fast legs that got him to the gate and to send help back and a debate between John and Rodney started in earnest, while Ronon, Teyla and May looked on amused.

May listening to the debated decided to bring both their ego down

''It sounds to me like both Kirk and Spock are needed for the team.'' and with that both men fell silent.

Then from the corner Ronon started to chuckle, having just found out who Spock and Kirk were, he could not contain his mirth. Soon Teyla joined in laughing. And just as they were calming down Rodney looked at John who was smiling and Rodney smiled to himself proudly and said 'Spock'.

This just made Ronon and Teyla laugh again, even harder.

May couldn't help but laugh it bubbled up and she couldn't contain it 

Ronon couldn't help but look at May laugh. It was a quiet laugh, which broke through the sadness surrounding her. Her eyes shone for a moment. Until she seemed to realise she was laughing and she sobered up.

It was then Ronon realised she was punishing herself for something. She seemed to collapse in on herself, all the happiness gone. It was a subtle change and was sure no one had noticed. Ronon knew she would want to run again and it wasn't long till she excused herself.

She got up and saying her goodbyes walked out the door as politely as she could, they asked her to stay but she explained she had some work to do in the morning and didn't want to but up late. She was out the door and at the first junction trying to picture where she was in Atlantis so she could get to the mess hall.

"Getting lost?" came Ronon's voice behind her making her jump.

"Oh. How do you do that?" she exclaimed. "Yes, I was going to the mess to get some food."

Ronon pointed to the left and May motioned for him to take the lead. She walked by his side

"So what's a compass?" Ronon asked.

A small smile spread over her face. "It's a small devise that works with the magnetic poles of the earth."

Ronon just looked confused

"It helps to find north so you can navigate your way when travelling. It stops you from getting lost."

Ronon just smiled. He liked her sense of humour.

Ronon POV

"So what's a compass?"

She smiled, it seemed to light up her face and she looked younger. She explained and he couldn't help but smile too.

They walked in silence to the mess hall. Ronon really liked that she didn't try and fill the silence. It was the one thing he couldn't get used, the endless chatter. It was as if they were trying to driving him crazy with the meaningless and idle chatter. He noticed earthling spoke all the time but rarely said anything worth hearing. But not her, she rarely spoke but always was worth listening to.

They entered the mess hall and walked to the counters for food, filled up their trays and headed to a table. She tucked in to her food.

"So tell me something about yourself". She said when she had finished eating

Ronon just looked at her not knowing what to say.

"Do you have a nick name?" she ventured

Ronon thought for a moment. Specialist, murderer, runner, wraith bringer he thought but said "McKay sometimes calls me caveman or Conon but I'm not sure who Conon is"

May cocked her head to one side thinking. "It's a good name for you but I think Rodney means it as an insult but actually it's not, it's a warrior who stands up to an evil warlord that enslaved his people." Ronon smiled liking the comparison.

"I need to get back." She said as they both finished their food. "Thank you for the company."

May hummed as she walked down the corridor, she reached her door and stepped in, and she striped down and crawled into bed, she fell asleep quickly, smiling.

She was running but no matter how far she went the man still kept coming for her. She saw Tim and yelled for him to run but he just stood there and then as she reached him she heard the gun go off and Tim disappeared. She turned round and saw a woman and then gun went off again.

May woke up unable to breath. She dragged in the air as best as could but it came in short sobs, she lay there as the minutes ticked by as she tried to stop her mind from dwelling on The Events. But as hard as she tried to push them aside she could stop thinking about it, her breath was getting shorter and shorter till her lungs were screaming for air. She held her breath hoping she could then drag in a lung full of air. But when she did she couldn't help the sob came as she breathed in. She sat up and through the covers back trying to gain some control. The tears streamed down her face. She tried to stand but just crumpled up into a ball, trying to make her self as small as possible. Again the minutes dragged by like hours as she struggled to breath. in her rational mind she was having a panic attack, and knew she needed help.

She scrambled for her comm.

"Liz."

Elizabeth sat up at the voice. Her name said with such pain, she barely recognised the voice.

"May? What's wrong." Liz asked, her normally calm friend was clearly distressed and she was worried.

"He's gone!" came the choked reply followed by a muffled sob

"I'll be there in ten" and she through her covers off and grabbed her robe.

10 minutes later Lizze walked in to find May on the floor struggling to breath. Lizze crouch in front of her and sat her on the bed. She knelt in front and put one of May's hand to her over her own heart and started to breathe deeply encouraging May to copy her. After a while May was able to calm down enough to talk. Liz could see the panic and raw emotion in May's eyes she looked like a caged animal.

"He's gone". She said as the tears coursed down her face.

"He's a lying cheating bastard and he's gone." she said angrily her breathing hitch again.

"I shouldn't miss him." her breathing puncturing each statement

"I should hate him for what he did." She breathed again.

"but I don't." In and out her breathing became more erratic

"I miss him so much." The air escaped her lungs.

"He wasn't even mine and I miss him." she drew a shaky breath in but before it reached her lungs it came out again.

"I feel so guilty for he did, for the lies that he told." Her breathing getting out of control again

"I tried to keep going." Her breathing became shallower

"I thought that if I didn't think," she drew short quick breath in,

"about it then it wouldn't hurt or" she gasped "if I just stay busy, that I could survive."

"But it didn't work." She panted .

"How could he do that to me?"

Liz struggled to understand her words "May, you need to calm down." She said worried for her friend. "You need to breath. if you don't calm down i'll have to get carson."

"No no. I'll be calm." She draw a long breath in and held it. Trying to repress her stomach muscles from making her breathe out.

After a few seconds she breathed out steadily 'till her lungs were completely empty only to draw a deep breath in. She did this a few mare times. She felt calmer with each breathe.

"What are you talking about." Liz asked

"He was shot. In front of me. And as bad as that was, I get death. it happens. Some people die too young. I was dealing with it." Came her staccato answers her voice the only thing that betrayed her calmness

May was quiet thinking over everything.

"Go on." Liz encouraged

"Everything fell apart so fast I couldn't... it was too much, I thought I could hide, but last night" she shake her head and smiled bitterly "I was happy, I laughed, I was funny, for a moment I didn't feel cold or hollow. I was wanted and relaxed. I felt whole. I came to bed and dreamed of him and that man who took him away and then that woman who shattered everything. I was with him for so long and now I just feel lost" May moaned, "I sound so pathetic." She wrapped her arms around her legs and let her head drop to her knees.

Lizzie just hugged her tighter, "that's coz you are."

May couldn't help laugh as the blunt statement.

"But don't worry," she continued,"you're allowed to be for now, truth be told I've been waiting for this. This is the first time you've cried or grieved; you just pushed it aside and tried to carry on. Atlantis is a good place to reflect and heal. This is your home now. You've already made friends and if you're open it you'll make more."

May shook her head in panic Elizabeth stilled her by gripping her shoulders again.

"The answers aren't going to be easy but you need time. And don't forget there is always Doctor Heightmayer she has experience in grief counselling, it might be worth considering with everything that happened."

''No," May said quickly, ''you are the only one who knows. I couldn't bare it if they knew. What if he- they wouldn't want to know me because of it."

"Okay" Lizzie raised her hand let May's slip of the tongue go for now. "but you need to process everything that happened no matter how bad it was."

"I will. Thank you."

"You want me to stay?"

''No, thank you, like you said I need to heal and I can't do that if I don't sleep.''

''Ok, good night, call if you need'' and with that Lizzie left May alone

May felt drained and shaky, she was in control now. She lay down on her bed but was afraid to close her eyes. She didn't want another nightmare. She breathed deeply, gaining control. She would not have another panic attack. She was stronger than that. She would make herself stronger than that. This was her pain and no one would feel it but her. no one else deserved it but her.

She stood up and started to pace. She wasn't was tired but restless. She need to keep her mind occupied so she pulled out her tablet and pulled up that last thing she had researched.

It was Ronon's planet; she had found the culture fascinating, the database had been very detail. She had looked at the military trying to find exactly what a Specialist meant but so far she had no luck. It seemed to be a specialised branch off the military but there was no information as to what a specialist does. So she switched to the domestic side of the culture, the traditions and customs. she found the mating and bonding ceremonies to be very simple. She searched a little deeper till her eyes grew heavy and she finally slept.


	7. Chapter 7

Ronon stepped into the mess hall and breathed in the heavy aroma of food, it was something he still couldn't get use to. He had got into the habit, while running, if he found food then he would eat as much as he could unless it could taken with him but on Atlantis not only was there an abundance of food, there was someone else to cook it.

He had gotten into a clash with the motherly head cook, Naomi, about this habit. She had taken pity on him and an arrangement had been met, as long as he waited until most of the base had eaten, then she wouldn't limit his meals, and he was the tester for any new food coming from trade. They had struck up a strange relationship, he went to Naomi when he didn't understand 'earthism' as she called them.

As he walked to the counter he did is usual sweep of whom, what and where- who is sitting where, what weapons could they have and where the exits are.

He noticed a group of the new marines sat at one of the tables near the food. He also spotted May on a table in a corner. She looked tired and down.

Seeing there was no danger he moved to get his food wondering what could have happen to her to make her revert, she had looked almost happy when she left last night.

"Hey Dex, that lot your?" Naomi nodded to the Marines.

He nodded.

"Teach em' some respect. This is my kitchen."

He gave her a puzzled looked; Naomi was usually quite mothering to all. she was the comfort away from home to most people on the base but her usual smile was drawn to a tight frown and her twinkly eyes were cold and angry.

"Heads up," she said quickly motioning to the door behind him

He turned to see May leaving and a marine following her. He scanned the room and saw the marines were laughing and guffawing in the direction of the door. Ronon dropped his tray on a nearby table making the marines jump and turn at the sound, spotting their trainer the laughter stopped and a worried look covered each face. Ronon barked out

"Gym! 0700!"

A deathly hush overcame the mess hall. The marines were all looking a little grey at Ronon's retreating figure..

He stormed out after May and the marine. He felt familiar thrill of hunting and tracking, he took a deep breath and smelled the scent of her shampoo it was a citrus smell, he noticed because it made McKay nervous when she was around. He took the time to radio Sheppard

"Sheppard, gonna need your help down here, between mess hall and gym." He spoke into the comm.

"On my way."

He smelt her heading towards the gym and ran. He round the corner and his blood boiled. The marine had May back up against the wall his hands on her arms and she was panicking, his mind flash to all the times May had flinched at his touch, she didn't like people touching her. She was struggling to breath, her hands clenched into fist on his chest trying to create some distance between them. He ran over, grabbed the marine by the scruff of his neck, hurled him away from May and brought him close.

"If she says back off then. You. Back. Off." He growled.

May POV  
May was not impressed. She had decided to do some personal research on the database to distracted herself and had been disturb by what she had read on Santean mating ceremonies. So she pluck up the courage to leave her little apartment and headed to the mess to clear her head and tried and make sense of the information.

Naomi, the head cook had seen the dark circles under her eyes and the worried xpression on her face and had given her the last slice of chocolate cake. She was about to start eating it when the quiet of the mess hall was disturbed by a group of marines walking in, they seemed in high sprits and May felt the need to leave creep over her. She had begun to eat her food faster, hoping to get out before she could be noticed. The marines got louder and louder, laughing and messing around. She ducked her head and focused on the tablet infront of her. The chair opposite her moved and May jumped, one of the marines sat down in it.

"Hi, I'm Craig. I'm new here and was wondering if you could show me around sometime." A smarmy smile crossed his face.

"Sorry, very busy at the moment, lots of work." she said politely gesture to the tablet in front of her.

"You sure?" He asked again.

"Very" came her reply.

He got up and left. And May breathed a sigh of relief. And then she hard the laughter again from the marine, she decided to ignore it

She had no sooner taken bite of her cake and the chair moved again

She looked up a saw another Marine and she felt irked.

This one introduced himself as Mark.

"Sorry about my friend. He doesn't really know how to talk to a beautiful women like you." 

May smiled politely and began to pack her stuff up.

"Apology accepted, if you'll excuse me I have a lot of work."

"Oh, come on darling, don't be like that." He said trying to give her puppy eye. The irked felt went up a notch.

She saw Ronon enter the mess hall and felt the need to run. She didn't want to face him in light of what she had just read.

"Excuse me." leaving the cake half eaten and the marine, forgotten at the table

May tried to remain calm as she left. She still felt raw from the night before. Maybe a gym session would help she thought. May had always tried to control her emotions and use them at more appropriate time, she had often worked herself calm in the gym near where she lived on earth.

When voice came form behind her.

"Where you running to little lady? I thought we could get to know each other."

She turned and saw another marine. She stood there in disbelief. She was a game to these men. A bet, she thought. That's why they were laughing. She closed her eyes in pain, turned her back to the marine and started walking towards the gym.

"I thought we could have some fun."

"No, thank you." She said trying to sound more confident. She continued moving towards the gym.

"Ah, don't be like that." he moved around her and planted himself in her path.

She started to panic a little. "Leave me alone." She said more forcefully.

"You don't know what you're missing." he stepped forward again and May had no choice but to step back.

Her panic replaced by anger. "I said leave me alone and let me pass." Her voice stronger.

He reached out and grabbed her arm. She whimpered at the sudden contact. His hot hand searing into her cold flesh. May tried to use the contact to her advance and turn them so she would be able to get around him. but he used her movements to back her up against the wall.

"I promise you'll have fun." His voice a little quieter

"I said no!" She was starting to panic again. pushing at the mans chest to gain some distance she let out a quiet sob of frustration.

He leaned closed and May closed her eyes and turned her face still not quite believing this was happen. He moved his body closer and May felt like she couldn't breathe. She brought her arm up to make him move back and started to pound on his chest if all her might. "No leave me alone." She grasped.

No sooner did she start, the marine was ripped away. She felt a thud against the wall. She opened her eyes. The marine was pinned against the wall next to her. Ronon had home pinned. His face feral. He bent his arm bringing him closer to the struggling marine. His voice, harsh and cutting. "If she says back off, you back off."

May felt weak with relief and slightly afraid of Ronon. Both men were still too close. Her fight or flight response kicked in and she fled. She rounded the corner and bumped in to John who made the mistake of reaching out to steady her. She ducked under his arms and carried on running with a sob.

Ronon POV

Ronon felt nothing but rage as he held the marine up against the wall.

"If she says back off you back off." He hissed at the marine. Out of the corner of his eye he saw May run and he felt torn. He wanted to teach the punk a lesson but he wanted to make sure May was all right. He was relived to see John come round the corner looking puzzled.

"What the hell's going on here?!" He asked.

"This marine wouldn't take no for an answer and had Ma- Dr Hemming pinned against the wall. Luckily I got here before he tried anything."

John stood there in shock. One because it was the most Ronon had said at any one time and in disbelief of the marine.

"Go." John said, Ronon still hesitate. "He'll be on his way to earth by morning."

Ronon dropped the marine to the ground and he turned to follow May.

The marine, who had been too sacred of Ronon to say anything, now started to protest at Ronon's rough handling.that was untill John shoved him against the wall hand around guys throat cutting off any further complaint. And in a deathly calm voice "If it had been me, you wouldn't be conscious to complain."  
He let the marine go and spoke into his comm.

"Sheppard to Major Lorne"  
"Sir?"  
"I need a security detail to my location."  
"On my way."

Ronon's POV

Ronon was on the hunt again. This time May's scent was stronger as she was clearly afraid and upset. He wondered where she might go, the scent wasn't heading back to her quarters, office or the gym. He suspected she was running blindly.

He followed her as she made her way further and further from the central tower. Her scent was all but gone and he was about to call for help when he rounded a corner and found her sat on the floor, breathing deeply trying to calm herself.

Not what I expected. he thought. 

He sat near her but leaving plenty of room as not to scare her, she looked over and acknowledge he was there but said nothing.

"Getting lost again, or just enjoying the scenery?"

She laughed at the absurdity of the situation. She laughed until the laugh turned into a sob and then she stopped.

She brought her knees up and rested her head on them. She breathed deeply. don't withdraw he silently pleaded with her.

"Do you get tired of pointing me in the right direction?" She said calmly.

"You're always helping me find my way."

They sat for a while in comfortable silence until she started to shiver slightly

"Ready to go back?" He said but thought Let me in

Mays POV

"Ready to go back?"

That's the question, she thought. She had been silently berating herself for feeling scared of Ronon. He had never done anything to hurt her and she had been afraid him.

No. She thought but said. "Yes."

He stood up and offered his hand to help her. She didn't take but as she stood, she hissed in pain.

"Did he hurt you?" He asked and stopped himself from reaching out, worried he hadn't got there in time.

"No," she assured him almost placing a hand on his arm "just not used to running so far."

He nodded. "There's a transporter just up here."

"Good ,I have no idea where I am."

"Are you ok?" He asked in all seriousness as they walked.

"Yeah. I am..."

"But?"

"It's nothing,"

"What?"

"I panicked."

"Most people would."

The transporter was near her quarters and he walked her to her room. As she got to the door, he stopped

"I could teach you self-defence." He offered.

She nodded and looked down. "Thank you." She said quietly. He felt her retreated into herself again.

May stood there and looked up seeing the sincerity in Ronon's eyes. he cared about her. I'll leave. she thought I'll end up on earth anyway, better to have him miss her than hate her. she rationalised.

He stepped back giving her more space. He turned away feeling frustrated that she had retreated again, when he felt a cold hand in his. He looked down at the small hand and he looked up at her. She stared him straight in the eyes

she wanted to say so much to him but settled for a "Thank you." She said it as earnestly as she could.

It was the first time she had initiated contact with him.

He squeezed her hand gently and smiled. She stepped back and let the doors close in front of her.

Ronon walked back to his quarters. He felt honoured by the trust she had placed in him. He couldn't help wondered what had happened to her to destroy her trust in people. He sent a prayer to anyone that was listening that he would do all he could to help her. Knowing what it was like to live without trust he didn't want that for her.

It was only when he was back in his quarter did he feel he was missing something. He thought back to her hand, it was cold and she grasped his tightly. She had looked into his eyes and thanked him. Suddenly he wasn't sure what she was thanking him for.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been a week since the marine and Ronon. Her sleep was still broken and disturbed but she was back at work. She had found the medical section of the database and had been working closely with Carson they had struck an easy friendship she found his Scottish brogue soothing. She found he had a wonderful sense of humour and found herself laughing more. Carson saw through her need to work and often invited her to join him for lunch.

Ronon had seen them a couple of times and felt pleased she was making more friends. But puzzled she was always too busy to spend time with him. He had invited her to team movie nights but she always declines. He did notice the lack of jealousy, confirming he held no romantic feeling for May. He still couldn't place the familiar feeling when he was around her nor why he felt so protective.

May had vowed to be more sensible with her health, she took regular meals and made sure that even if she didn't sleep she limited her working hours

She was in the middle of the afternoon working when she was interrupted by Dr. Weir on her radio.

"May, come to the briefing room please ASAP."

"On my way" May replied puzzled, she had never been called to the briefing room before.

She closed the document she had been working on. It was a letter she had been working on but the deadalus was due back in a few weeks so it could wait. She powered down her terminal grabbed her tablet and headed to the gate room.

She suspected that SGA-1 had just come back from MR8-442, a planet with no settlement near the gate but a ruin building with markings all over and she had been studying said marks, but each time she found a thread, the photos were incomplete or out of focus. Ronon had been talking about it the evening before.

On arriving she found an empty seat and sat down as a tired Sheppard nodded at her and she blushed. She had been avoiding him after last week. She ducked her head feeling like a coward and when Teyla slide a laptop over, she started to study the images as she listened to the briefing.

"The building is 2 clicks from the gate, it is undisturbed and in good condition, it's completely covered in marking that appear to be ancient but not one that MacKay can read-"

"I didn't say I couldn't" MacKay butting in, "I just needed more time but Sheppard here wouldn't let us stay any longer."

"As I was saying," Sheppard glared at Mackay "there are no settlements within walking distance. I suggest we go back, with a jumper and explore a little more and take a better look at those markings."

Weir nodded and turns to May. "What do you see?"

"Sheppard is right it is ancient but it has wraith structure and syntax." She as she looked up to a confuse Mackay and Weir.

"Take these markings here, in normal ancient it means blessed light but when added with these markings," she pointed to the next one "it becomes wraith meaning cursed sight. It's like someone wanted to welcome the Ancients but warn off the Wraith.

"The whole passage talks about a blessed light to lift burdens but in wraith is cursed sight to crush the weak, whoever wrote this was a genius." May blushed at her last words but kept silent.

Weir nodded and said,

"Ok, I am giving the mission a go you leave, 0800 tomorrow, take a jumper and have a closer look at that building and see if it is a weapon or a research base it could be a method of ascension. May, you'll be joining them. First priory is to take images so that if you run out of time you can carry on when you get back. I suggest you all R and R, dismiss."

Mackay and Teyla stood to leave, Sheppard and Ronon waited for May, who sat there dumbfounded.

"What?" She looked at Dr. Weir, "surly McKay could take pictures and I could translate them here?"

Dr. Weir looked at her friend and felt a little bad but steeled herself, it was for May's own good, she had gone back to hiding herself in her work. The mission didn't seem like a dangerous one and Sheppard and Ronon would be there to protect her. With no settlement in the area, Weir quickly weighed the pros and cons.

"Dr. Hemming," She said letting her friend know that it was her boss talking, "it'll be quicker if you translate as you go and get the images in the right order. I also want you to look at the non-text images that are on the building and figure out, if this language is an evolution of ancient and wraith. More over I need to know if you have seen this style of language anywhere else in the translation of the database. Sheppard's team is the best, you'll be safe with them and it's time to get you off base."

May sat there stunned; Liz had never used her diplomacy skills nor pulled rank on May before. She mumbled a "ok" and got up to leave and Ronon followed her out.

Sheppard turned to Weir. "Am I going to have a problem?"

"No," Weir replied, "just keep her safe." John stiffened at the request and Liz knew she had offended him. She looked up at John and said   
"I'm sorry John. She's a friend who is grieving and I don't want her to get hurt but she needs to start living again" 

John relaxed and moved over to Liz, "I'll put Ronon on   
guard duty, he'll keep her safe." He said kindly with a hand on her shoulder he turned to leave.

"Thank you" she said gratefully.

May left the briefing room in a hurry, her panic overriding the hurt she felt. What was she going to do? She didn't know if she defend herself if it went wrong, and while it seemed like a safer mission than most, she had heard the Pegasus galaxy wasn't always kind when it came to easy missions.

So caught up in her thoughts she didn't notice she had stopped moving until Ronon almost bumped into her. He turned her around and asked "Are you ok?"

"I've never been through a stargate before. The fear of the mission overrode her need to keep Ronon at a distance. I don't know if I can defend myself. I don't know how to shoot a gun" She said the panic rising in her voice. "What the hell am I gonna do. I'm gonna get you killed!"

Ronon shook her gently to interrupt her panicked thoughts, she flinched slightly at the contact but Ronon ignored it. "Come with me."

First he took her to the firing range and gave her the low down on guns. How to shoot, how to aim, how to reload and where the safety is. He kept going until she could shoot, reload and get close to the target without shaking (too much). Next, he took her to the gym and showed her quick and easy sparring techniques.

It would hold them off long enough either for you to shoot them or for help to come. When we get back I can ask Teyla to show you some more moves." Ronon told May. She felt a lot calmer now. She could shoot, not well but enough to scare someone off or to wound them and she was rubbish at sparring but the years spent dancing had made her agile and fast, Ronon had struggled to cornered her. She still felt under prepared but better knowing that Ronon would be there just in case.

After food she went to her office and started to gather software that would help her catalogue and translate the images she had downloaded onto one of her laptops and took it to her room. It was late afternoon when she was finally ready and she had everything ready to grab the next morning. She grabbed some food and took it to her quarters. She planned to read a novel hoping it would make her tired but she felt too energized to rest so she went for a run and stop by the gym to dance, but she ended up leaving feeling more frustrated. She started running again to help herself relax. After her run she showered and changed. She sat on her bed as a though crossed her mind. May walked to the infirmary and spotted Carson.

"What are you doing here lass?" Carson asked.

"I have a favour to ask" May started nervously. Carson nodded encouragingly for her to continue.

May took a deep breath and explained her mission tomorrow and her sleepless night and nightmares. "I just need a good night sleep with no interruption."

Carson had suspect as much and knew, if she was asking for help, she really need it.

"Aye less, I recon' you do. Ok just this once, I will give you the sleeping tablets but if these nightmares are not Atlantis related then you need to see Dr H, the nightmares are not going to go away by themselves." Carson told her. "I will when I get back" she promised with a grateful smile.

He handed the pills over. "Don't take them till you're in bed, they will knock you out for about 4 hours and you'll feel drowsy for the two after that but the time frame is right, drink plenty of water and don't worry Ronon will keep you safe" Carson said with a smile.

His parting words made her smile and when she remembered herself it made her sad. She would miss Atlantis and Ronon a lot.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ones a long one.

May woke up feeling rested and refreshed. She had just finished showering when her door chime sounds. Pulling her robe tight around her she answered the door. 

"Ronon? What are you doing here. I'm not late, am I?" she asked worriedly looking at her clock. She still had an hour before meeting at the gate. 

"Thought you might need help." he answered. She stood aside to let him, pulling the robe tightly around her body. She stood nervously as he unpacked the bag he had brought. On her bed lay a TAC vest, various small knives, a BMD and a funny looking gun Ronon had let her use the night before - a wraith stunner. He handed the overalls to her. 

"Here put these on." 

He turned his back to concentrate on the equipment on the bed. She stared at the knives on the bed. It didn't take a genius to realise they were meant for her and that she had no idea how to hide them. Ronon was going to have to hide them. She felt nervous and escaped to her bathroom to put the overalls on. She was surprised she didn't feel nervous of the thought of Ronon being that close, just the thought of what she might need the knives for. She realised she trusted him. She had wondered when that had happened. 

"Your hair needs to be up and out of the way." Ronon told her in his gruff voice she sat down and started to braid her hair and wrap it in a bun. Trying not to watch him in the mirror, she would miss him. 

"It this ok?" she asked, He nodded and handed her the TAC vest. She stared dumbly at it not sure how to put it on. "A little help." she asked shyly. 

He stepped towards her and took it from her hands. Seeking permission first, he pulled it over her head and fastened the strips securely. He was please to note she had put a bit of weight on and Ronon silently thanked carson for inviting her to lunch. 

"It is meant to be that tight." she gasped uncomfortably. 

"You'll get used to it. The closer to the body the more protection it offers." He walked back to the knives on the bed, there were six, all small not much good in a fight but easily hidden away. 

Ronon POV. 

She had been uncomfortable when he had put the TAC vest on. Her eyes hadn't quite met his all morning she wasn't quite hiding from him but he felt like she was hiding something. He felt her eyes on him while he was sorting her tac vest. They seemed sad. Sadder than usual somehow. 

He didn't know how she would handle him hiding the knives on her person but she surprised him by following him to the bed. 

"Where are they going?" she asked. 

"There are a lot of pockets hidden in the overalls and TAC vest but I wanted to put a one in your hair and one on your ankle." He answered. 

"Ok" she nodded. 

Ronon slowly started and one by one, the knives disappeared from her bed. She stood still. Not stiffing as usual but not quite relaxed as the knives were added to her outfit. She tensed slightly when he kneel to put one on her ankle but said nothing. 

"Done," he said at least. He looked at her and noted that she hadn't pulled back once yet she was clearly uneasy. "Don't worry chances are you won't need them." 

She nodded and said bluntly, "I need food. I eat when I'm nervous." Ronon smiled and nodded 

May sat in the Puddle Jumper with Ronon, Teyla had called shot-gun and Rodney had found an excuse to stay at Atlantis. While the Puddle Jumper was starting, May looked at the controls she couldn't help but be fascinated by them. 

And Ronon couldn't help but be moved by her wonderment. She had a childlike happiness that wiped away the pain and the sorrow, it had gone for just for a moment and Ronon saw her as she was, not as she had been made. As Sheppard punched the symbols for the gate, May tensed. She had come on the Deadalus, this would be her first trip through the gate and it scared her. May studied the wormhole technology until she felt physically ill and had to stop. She didn't like the sound of her atoms being pulled apart and then reassembled. 

Ronon nudged her as he felt her tense up. She looked at him and smiled tightly. He placed his hand on hers and May felt the searing heat that warmed her cold hands. It seemed to warm her from the inside out. At least I can experience this before I go. 

She had been so busy concentrating on the warmth and she didn't realize that Sheppard had opened the wormhole and the jumper had travelled through. Ronon removed his hand when they landed and she found she missed the comfort it brought, but before she could think on the loss, Sheppard took her attention. 

"Ok kids. Ronon and May will stay at the ruins, radios on at all time. Teyla and I with scout further to see if there are any other settlements within the vicinity. Maintain radio contact a 20 minutes intervals. Standard double click for radio silence." And with that they left. 

May walked to the ruins near the Puddle Jumper, she immediately started filming the ruin, just in case time ran out. She uploaded the image to her laptop and started to walked around the temple. Ronon scouted the perimeter and walked back to the ruins to watch out while May worked. It was a good time to study the young woman as she sat there muttering to herself twirling a strand of hair that had come loose at the nape of her neck. 

"From blackest night to blessed light, my burden is lifted, my soul takes flight". She sighed "but this makes no sense." She mused to herself writing in her note book. 

Ronon smiled, May was not one to fill the silence with idle chatter he would have never guessed she mumbled while she worked. He found it enduring. 

Ronon came to stand next to her. "What is it?" He asked. 

"Well it dispelled energy of some kind, but I can't tell what it did or who it is meant for. I would say it's for the wraith but I can't be sure. She shook her head in frustration. I think, it's a weapon but not one that we can use and it certainly hasn't been used in a while. I mean look at it and tell me what you see. 

She gestured toward the ruined stones Ronon looked at the temple. The stones looked like they had been thrown away from the main building. It was clear that something had destroyed it from the inside out. 

When he told her this, she nodded. It looks like a trap of some kind. She theorised "the duel language makes me think that it was either built by wraith to trap ancients but, more likely, built by ancients to trap wraith. It takes about lifting weight." 

She shook her head and mumbled something about 'vague ancients'. "That could refer to ascension or weight lose or it could simple make you laugh and forget your troubles" She said frustrated. "I suppose either one could be dangerous in the extreme," she thought out loud. 

Ronon looked puzzled as he tried to make sense of what she was saying. "you can die from laughing?" he asked sceptical 

"Yes" She smiled, "not a nicest way to go but at least you'll be happy." 

"How?" 

"well," she thought for a moment, "When you laugh you breathe out and can't draw air into the lungs, you laugh so hard the you can't breathe, you essentially suffocate. There is this gas, nitrogen oxide called laughing gas,and it makes you feel giddy like your drunk and everything is suddenly hilarious. To much of it and it knocks you out but if you get it right it will make you laugh till you can't breath and die." 

"So it's a laughing machine?" 

"well, No," she smiled "I don't think so. But I'm not sure in ancient it talks about lifting burdens, we know in order to ascend, you have to shed your burdens and chemically alter the brain, maybe someone found a way to cheat." 

"Cheat ascension?" 

"Or lose weight, she said flippantly, "like I said I need to find more and put into to context" She said chuckling. Ronon suddenly sprang into action and covered Mays mouth and pushed her down to the ground. May froze at the sudden contact; he mouthed her to get behind the ruin and out of sight and signal Sheppard. Ronon switched his gun from kill to stun and slowly disappeared into the forest where the noise, which had put Ronon on high alert, had originated. As he left May dived for the ruins and grabbed her radio. 

"Sheppard, this is Doctor Heming come in." 

"Sheppard here" Was the reply. Backing up slowly she replied in to the radio 

"Ronon's gone after a noise in the forest, please come back" while slipping the wraith stunner from its hold. 

"On our way" The radio crackled. 

She quickly scrambled to get her equipment out of sight and packed in case they had to make a hasty retreat. She heard grunting and Ronon's gun fire twice and then a gun shot. Her mouth went dry and the world dimmed as her memories came rushing back. She swallowed her fear and cleared her head. She was needed here and not in the past, she couldn't change the past but she didn't have to wait for the worst to happen because at that moment a group of men came out of the forest laughing. May shrank back and out of view. 

"Hey Matis look" She heard one man speak. May risked a peak and saw a man, Matis she presumed, stoop down to look at her camera she had left, silently cursing herself for leaving it out she felt the fear came back knowing he would see photos of the ruins she prayed it wasn't a temple. 

"Spread out and look for anyone else" One man ordered the other men, "gather everything up and burn it and bring the man he will have to burn as well, this sight must be purified." 

The men scattered in all directions. She counted eight men when two more came from the trees dragging Ronon. She scanned his body looking for any wounds and founding none save for a small trickle running down is forehead. So knocked out but not shot, she thought while taking a deep breath in, forcing her brain to work. she didn't have long before the men would find and without Ronon her chances didn't look good. She levelled her stunner at Matis, knowing that she had to stall the men for Sheppard to appear and save the day. 

She quickly did a head count there were eight men in total. Two were beginning to search. Two were examining Ronon's gun two were stood over Ronon and Matis and another man were clearly in charge in giving orders. she aimed the gun at Matis before she could think she fired it and step from behind the temple 

"Step away from him! And back up" Glad that her voice at least sounded confident. The men stepped back. 

"Now who's in charge here?" she asked sternly. Second in command spoke up 

"Matis is our leader." Motioning to the man on the ground, May stunned the 2IC and he crumpled to the ground, the rest of the men took a step back. 

"Wrong, I'm in charge here. "she said motioning to Ronon on the ground, "toss his gun at my feet and throw any remaining guns into the trees she demanded. Once they had complied she ordered them to wake Ronon up. One of the men gave him a sharp slap. 

Ronon POV 

A sharp pain was all it took for Ronon to be up and he was on his feet in seconds reaching for his gun - gone, damn he thought. 

He took in his surroundings and remembered the men, a dozen at first but he had taken care of 4 of them and he saw two on the floor that meant 6 more. while assessing the situation he noted with pride that May had the men at gun point. She appeared calm and in control but as he approached he noted that her calm was a mask of terror for she was pale and beads of sweat had gather on her forehead, and her hand was starting to shake. 

He picked up his gun from the ground at her feet and aimed it at the men. Once he had done that she lowered her own in relief. He motioned for her to get back behind the ruins and when she moved without arguing, he knew she was very scared. 

May POV 

May was quick to inform him of Sheppard's movement as she moved behind the ruins and as she did one of the men called out. She crouched behind and watched 

"You desecrated the scared shrine." 

Ronon move closer to the man. "There is rope in the pack get it and tie the others up. Then we'll talk." Once the man did what he was told, Ronon motioned for him to sit while he checked the ropes, and after finding them secure he talked to the man. 

"Why did you attack us?" 

"You are trespassing, this is our most scared shrine of the ancestors, you must burn, your blood has been split on the ground and now you must burn and she must pay for her insolence." 

"Pay how?" Ronon asked ignoring the raising anger 

"She will be taken back to the village where the elders will decide her fate. She would have made an excellent elder's wife but she shot Matis and he will have revenge. He might let me keep her when he's done" he said looking leeringly at May. Ronon fist lashed out and the man slumped on the ground unconscious. Ronon thought 'stupid religious nuts, no logic, no reasoning.' 

He dragged the man to the others and tied him up. He looked back at May trying to reassure that nothing would happen to her but her eyes were glazed over and she was clearly terrified. He moved to try and comfort her, but as he did Matis woke up and flew at Ronon knocking him to the ground. Ronon was quick to react and it wasn't long before both men were dancing around each other looking for an opening May knew that Ronon would win but the words 'she will pay' spun in her head making her angry. 

Her life had been decided by other people far too long and May found that her fear was being overridden by anger. No one was going to decide life for her. She saw the gun get knock out of Ronon's hand and knew that if she got it she could stun Matis again and Ronon wouldn't have to fight, they could wait for Sheppard and go. She started to creep slowly from behind the ruined temple and make her way to the gun on the ground, but as she approached it trying not to distract Ronon, Sheppard and Teyla appeared with the guns cock in the direction of Matis. 

Anger flashed on Matis face and he pulled a gun on Ronon. May's mind screamed for her legs to work as she changed direction. Before Ronon could react May threw herself in the path of the bullet that fired from the gun. 

And her world went black.


	10. Chapter 10

Ronon POV

Ronon heard Sheppard and Teyla appear behind him with guns at the ready. He saw the cold metal of the gun aimed at his chest. Matis' eyes flashed with defeat and then anger. He felt the air move and time seemed to stop.

He felt many things all at once. He felt the bullet leave the gun and he simply accepted that this was his time. He felt regret of the things he had lost and would never get back. He felt sadden for the people he would leave behind but most of all, he felt at peace. If this was his time them so be it.

In his acceptance of the situation, he failed to notice May's movements. It was only when she barrelled into to him knocking him back and out the way of the bullet, did he realised she had taken the bullet for him. He felt the impact as though it was his own. Her body unbalanced by it, crumpled to the ground where she lay unmoving.

Before he could react he heard a single shot fire from Sheppard P 90 knocking the gun out of Matis hands. Ronon looked over at May lying still on the ground and roaring in anger, launched himself at the man. While Matis might have been a good fighter he was no match for the enraged runner baring down on him. And in one punch Ronon found Matis flying and unconscious. Before Ronon in his need for revenge, could do any more damage to the man john placed himself in his path.

"Stand down." Sheppard ordered, "that's an order!"  
In that moment Ronon hated John. He wanted to kill the man lying on the floor. He felt that hatred, he had only reserved for the wraith, flood through him, the only thing standing in his way was his commanding officer. He took a step towards John, you will move, Ronon thought, whether by choice or by force you will move.

John looked into Ronon's eyes and saw the hate and hopelessness Ronon had lost since being on Atlantis.

"May needs a doctor." He tried to reason. "And the sooner the better, we need to go."

The mention of May and the red haze began to lift and Ronon began to see straight. His hate fading, replaced by concern and guilt. He was supposed to protect her. He had failed. He ran to her and felt for a pulse, breathing out in relief as he found one. He quickly checked over her and noted a small cut on her forehead. He frowned in confusion and a quick inspection of the area, reveal a small jagged rock with blood on it, he cursed realising she had hit her head as she went down.

He picked May up cradling her to him, he marvel at how light she was, how fragile she seemed. He vowed then and there, nothing and no one would ever hurt her again.

As he carried her to the jumper, Sheppard had uncloaked, he called over is shoulder to grab her equipment, when she was recovered she would be upset if the trip was in vain.

He laid her down and applied pressure to her wound as the jumper doors closed and John sped back to the gate, Teyla stored the equipment and immediately got the jumpers first aid out and began to help.

The journey to the ruins taken minutes, but the journey back seemed to stretch on. Ronon barely registered the gate being dialled or John explanation of the situation nor did he really recognise Dr. Weir's guilt ridden expression through the front viewer of the jumper. It was only when they landed did Ronon shake off his stupor without a word he picked May up and headed to the infirmary.

Carson met them in the corridor just out side the jumper with a gurney. Ronon reluctantly placed her on the bed but as he let her go she seemed to wake and grab on to him in fear. Her fogged eyes looked into his as they drooped he eased her back on to the bed and she whimpered out one word before surrendering to the dark.

'Tim'

Carson POV

After four hours of routing around in May's shoulder, the bullet, which had done a lot of damage but had missed lung and collarbone, was finally removed.

He walked out of the OR exhausted but pleased, leaving the nurses change and dress the wound. He removed the scrubs and placed them in the medical wastebasket while musing on how the young women had come to be lying in his OR in the first place. He almost hadn't believe Ronon when he quickly explained. One, because Ronon had done the talking and two, because Ronon had given details. Rather then just gunshot and head wound. Ronon had said 'gunshot to the shoulder' and 'head wound to the forehead, cause by a sharp rock.' He had estimated how long May had been unconscious told Carson everything Teyla had done on the journey back. By the time Carson had May in the infirmary he had all the details to get the OR set up in record time.

He looked up and was not surprised to see Ronon pacing. He was also not surprised to see that Ronon hadn't been attended to. No doubt he had scared every doctor and nurse into leaving him alone until May was out of the OR. He walked over and told him

"She alright." He said to Ronon, who seemed to not hear him, continued to pace. Carson stepped in front of him. "Ronon, she'll be fine. lad. but she's going to need some help getting better."

"Come on; let me take a look at you." He motioned to the bed.

"I'm fine." came the gruff reply.

When he had worked with the young doctor, he had seen the sadness she tried to hide. At first she had kept a professional distance, but as they had work together the discoveries, they had made, helped them to overcome her shyness. He quickly learnt she was uncomfortable with physical contact and she struggled to laugh and enjoy herself. He came to realise she had been hurt, deeply.

He had watched the friendship between Ronon and May in surprise, for all appearances they had nothing in common. However, he was grateful she had a friend in the runner. What amazed him more were changes in Ronon. Having to survive for so many years alone had made the runner almost detached and feral, his life had been about killing wraith and nothing else. His taciturn manner set people on edge. But with May he was gentle and caring. He asked questions and offered opinion he brought her out of her shell by coming out of his.

He knew that once Ronon had placed someone in his 'family' he would protect them until his dying breathe but he was more amazed that May had been hurt protecting Ronon. He knew this would not sit well with the warrior.

"She's sleeping and will be for some time. You need to get that cut looked at and you need to eat and rest. You can't help her if you're not well yourself."

Carson saw an unexpected sadness cross his face and Ronon sat down on the bed.

"My job was to protect her. I failed." Ronon said His usual reticent manner coming back. Carson cleaned up the wounds and did the usual tests, mulling over what Ronon's words.

As they were finishing up May was being wheeled in to Recovery. They both looked at the women on the bed, she looked so pale and tired.

Ronon raised his head, shot a grateful look at Carson and left without a word, just a quick backwards glance to the lone figure asleep in the bed. It was a silent promise.


	11. Chapter 11

May hadn't woken up after the surgery, she had slipped into a coma, and Carson was stumped.

"There was no reason why she shouldn't wake up, but sometimes" he speculated "the mind needs time to deal with emotional pain".

"Wake up" Ronon pleaded everyday while he sat at her bedside. For 5 days after she had been shot Ronon refused to leave her side.

Ronon knew that he was strong, life had made him so but he didn't know where the strength to leave every night came from. He didn't want her waking up alone. But every night he would leave, each step taking him further and further from May. It had been tortuous and at first he would come back until Carson took him to one side and explained that when May woke up she would need his help to recover and that if he didn't take care of himself he wouldn't be able to help her when the time came. So Ronon had made sure that he ate and sparred once a day and slept in his own quarters as long as Carson would inform him of any changes

Every day he would sit at her bedside and talk to her, he told of his home and of his family; Ronon had never talked some much. Often Teyla or John would sit with her when Ronon couldn't.

He was there on the fifth day; he took her hand in his and willed his strength to her

"Wake up, please wake up," he pleaded with his head bowed in despaire,

When he heard her sigh and as he looked, her head moved.

He immediately called for Carson.

When the doc arrived he checked over her chart and her vitals and each machine.

When he was done he turned to Ronon with a smile and said "she is asleep. She will wake up sometime in the next 8 hours."

May POV

May was running, and as she ran she felt the pain and the memories fall behind her. But even she knew that one couldn't run forever. And as her body slowed the memories overwhelmed her.

A ring she no longer had.

A life she could no longer claim.

These memories would assault her and beat her down till she was ready to give in to the pain but she would get the urge to run, finding the strength to keep going.

But then she couldn't run for ever and it would begin again.

Each time she ran a different memory would come forward and try to take her. She was running from the that woman. When her legs gave out she couldn't run anymore she was on the ground exhausted as the memory overtook her and the pain exploded in her body, she could handled the death that was apart of life but this vindictive woman had dealt her an emotion blow that had the power to crush her.

It was this that threaten to overwhelm her completely and was about to give up when the memory receded and a voice through the dark came

'Wake up', it echoed around her. Her body seemed renew with a strength she had never experienced, it came flooded through her body.

She stood ready to face the memory and as she turned the woman appeared to her sneering, the verbal abuse, flowing from her mouth. May felt the voice echo again, '"Wake up please wake up", it muted the memory and May turn to find a dull pink light shining in the distance and on shaky legs she walked to that light just as she approached Tim appeared in front of her, she hesitated but he smiled at her and faded away as May walked through into a peaceful slumber.

The light was sharp and invading, the world noisy and bright, she felt weak and feeble and just as the darkness started to invade she felt a pressure on her hand she opened her eyes blinking several times as the image came into focus.

Ronon sat there waiting as May came around, May smiled weakly at him.

"Welcome back" the relief was evident in his voice. 'How long?' she tried to say but her dry throat wouldn't allow the words to be clear instead she simply said "water". Ronon jumped up happy to be doing something and return with ice chips.

"Here, Carson said slowly for now". As the ice soothed her throat, she gazed at Ronon, drinking him in. She saw worry lines around his face, he looked older and more care worn than she remembered.

and as her eyes close again she said the only thing she felt.

"I'm sorry."

When her eyes open again, the pain had lessened in her shoulders and her eyes no longer felt heavy. The hand was back and this time she knew who it was by the texture of the skin.

Ronon? She managed to croak through her parched throat.

Her eyes closed again yet she was aware of Ronon calling for Carson

As he entered the room as May opened her eyes.

"How are you feeling lass?"

"Water"

Carson reached for the container of ice chips and place a few in her mouth as they melted Carson ushered Ronon out of the room and began to gently ask questions

"Do you know who you are?" May nodded

"Do you know where you are?" May nodded again

"And what is the last thing you remember?" At that question May reached for her shoulder but was held back by the needle in her hand. Upon seeing it she immediately tried to take it out.

"You need to keep that in, lass, we need to keep your fluid levels, if you're good I'll take it out in a few hours. Ronon tells me you save his live, do you want to tell me what happen from the beginning I think."


	12. Chapter 12

Carson sat down in the vacant chair and asked May gently "So who's Tim?"

"Tim?" May asked puzzled.

"You asked for him."

May nodded trying to sort her mind.

"It's a long story."

"Tell you what, you tell me and I'll remove the IV unless you want doctor H."

"No! If I tell her she might send me back to earth and I can't go back. I don't have anywhere else to go" May said quietly. She looked at Carson pleading for understanding. Carson sat patiently and May began.

"I meet Tim when I was an undergrad, I was 18", she smiled, "and he had just been accepted to a law firm. We hit it off. We were best friends, we had a lot in common we were both alone, I had lost my mother a few years previous, he told me his dad died in a car accident, we became close, he helped me with my study and I with his job," 

May smiled at the memory, "he had to work a lot and so did I, so we took it slowly, we became more than friends and he proposed when I got my PhD. We went out for dinner one evening we were mugged, we handed over our money and phones and most of the jewelry I tried to hide my engagement ring but he saw it and demanded that too, Tim wouldn't let them have it, they agued and the man pulled out a gun he was just a kid and Tim was adamant that I kept my ring, I told him it wasn't worth it but Tim wouldn't listen. The gun went off and the kid just ran. Dropped the gun and all of our stuff and ran, but the bullet hit Tim in the chest... and he", May swallowed ... "he died, in my arms". May cried into her hands knowing that she would have to continue knowing that not his death but everything after hurt her more.

"I was ... preparing to hold a funeral for him, when I was summoned to his firm company," May breathed deeply trying to gain some calm, "when I arrived there was this woman, she was his mother. She offered me 50,000 to disappear," May's voice broke as the tears coursed down her face "He was married and had a child!" The statement hung in the silence of the room and as it sunk in May continued with anger in her voice, "his girl was nine, that means when his wife was pregnant he was making friends with me. That woman said I was a black mark on her family, something to be ashamed of and now that he was gone I would be swept under the rug and no body would ever mention that I existed. She threaten to ruin me if I ever told anyone about me and Tim and that the ring he wouldn't let the mugger take was hers and it would be for his child, she said it was my fault, he had died, I had deprived her of a son.

"He was my world and he wasn't even mine. He died and as hard as that was I understood death it happens it's a part of life and sometime people go before there time, I've lost enough people to know that. but he didn't just die, everything we did is tainted, every memory I'll wonder if he was thinking about them. I was ready to share my life with him and I lost myself. I was the other women. I mean how could I not know."

Carson listened in silence for nothing he could say would make this woman feel anything less. He knew it would take time to heal and begin to trust, time to really start to live.

"So what happened on the planet?"

"They, the men, said that I would have to pay for shooting their leader and that they would have been happy with me being an elder's wife but not after I bested one of them, one of the men thought that Matis the man I stunned, would let him have me. I just ... I got angry, I'm so tired of letting other people dictated to me and Ronon is the only one who hasn't needed something from me or hasn't ordered me around, they were fighting and I just ...I, I thought if I could stun Matis then Ronon wouldn't have to fight, Sheppard could pick us up and we could have been gone and no one would have got hurt, but then, Matis pulled a gun on Ronon and I saw... I saw it in Ronon's eyes, he knew, he just knew it would kill him, and I couldn't let him die. I... I couldn't lose him too," May shook her head, "and I stopped thinking and before I realized what I was doing I was in Ronon arms and we were falling and all I can remember thinking while in Ronon's arms is that I was safe."

Carson continued to watch May as she calmed herself. He stayed until she fell asleep, the emotions being too much for her. He quickly removed the IV as promised and left her to sleep.

Ronon sat nearby waiting; he too appeared calmer then before.

"You heard" it was more of a statement then a question.

Ronon nodded his head yes.


	13. Chapter 13

Ronon stalked the corridors of Atlantis that night. He wanted to be there for May when she awoke but he didn't know what she would need. He was not one to analyse feelings, he usually did what felt right. He trusted his instincts, they had rarely been wrong but he felt so much he couldn't process.

He wanted to hurt this Tim, who took something so precious and tainted it with lies. He wanted to hurt the women who made May regret the life she had lived. He hated the man on the planet for threatening her in that way and he was furious at himself for not preventing her from getting hurt, he was angry at May -

The thought stopped him dead in his tracks. He had spent so long worrying and maintaining a vigilance over her as she slept that he hadn't had the time to process everything. But he was mad,

He continued walking.

Why was he mad at her? She saved him. She had put her life in danger for him. She had taken a bullet for him.

It wasn't the first time that someone else had saved him, his team often saved each other, but somehow this was different, she had put herself in danger to save him. The thought of the bullet ripping thought her flesh made him feel ill.

Ronon found himself at a balcony looking out to sea. He spent the night sorting his feels and deciding what he would do. He felt the long forgotten warmth of family stir in his heart and a chain being forged by the his teams mate around his heart, they were all his family none by kin but by blood split for each other, and May had slowly over the last months silently and unnoticed planted herself in the middle of the hole and forged her own link in the chain.

As he walked back to the infirmary he found May still sleeping he lowered himself into the empty chair and closed his eyes and dreamed

Lost and found

we lose ourself along the way  
like the setting of the sun on day  
tossed to and fro by maelstrom sea  
fighting for the strength to be

a hole punched through your heart  
makes one finish before the start  
and broken links lay lost and scattered  
as the soul is left shattered

you curl up, and will yourself to die  
the soul too weary to even try  
but you're lungs refuse to stop  
and your body will not drop

years go by, a torment existence  
years go by a lonely self-subsistence  
a life of fear and loss and despair  
human contact being rare

yet hope returns in the end  
first by strangers who become friends  
new links being made all around  
yet each one singular on the ground

then lighting cuts through the night  
and color returns to your sight  
they burrow through your soul  
filling up the gaping hole

the healing now can start  
and breathe new life into your heart  
with links now a chain, being wrapped around  
telling you, you have been found


	14. Chapter 14

May woke-up to the steady breathing of Ronon. She studied the sleeping Satedan his head bowed, his legs resting on her bed and his arms, folded over his stomach. His face was relaxed. He looked younger and at peace.

His breathing slowed and May knew he had woken up.

"I know you're awake." she said without humour, in truth she felt conflicted, she wanted him to go, she didn't want to deal with another round of questions, it was one thing to explain to Carson but how would Ronon understand everything. She didn't think she could survive him walking away. But she wanted him to stay. She felt more solid when he was around, more capable of functioning.

He opened his eyes, She moved to sit and he quick move to help her,

"Here" he said and supported her with his arms and before he could move away she throw her good arm around his waist and hugged him.

"I remember," she said to his chest as his arms embraced her. "I was dreaming, and you told me wake up. You gave me the strength to wake up, thank you."

He sat on her bed still hugging her.

"You saved my life." He pulled back slightly. "Why? You could have been killed." He saw start to withdraw, it was like a barrier descending and she tried to shrug it off but she winced at the pain and brought her hand to cover the wound.

He eased back at little more and saw the pain across her face. And felt the familiar frustration. He wanted her to talk to him.

"Do you want me to get Carson for you?" He said bitterly. He couldn't help but feel a little jealous of Carson; he had got her to open up.

He started to move off the bed

"Wait!" her good hand reached for him in panic, Ronon was withdrawing from her. "I couldn't bear it." The sentence came out fast, as if she was trying to say it before her courage failed. He knew she wasn't talking about the bullet he remained still hoping for her to continue.

She looked away from him, "I forget," she looked down, "it so easy with you, I don't want you to hate me but you need to understand and once you do I'll leave. I'll go back to earth" He saw the self-loathing cross her face.

"May, I know." He said. "I was outside while you were talking to Carson." He watched the emotion flicker across her face, confusion, guilt and then sheer panic. Emotion clouded her face and her eyes became shiny. She nodded. She fought to control her emotions but she was too raw and too weak, she didn't have the strength. Her hands were fisted and shaking in an effort to control her emotions but even so the tears wouldn't stop.

"I...I didn't know, I promise you I didn't know." She sounded resigned to something but Ronon failed to understand what. she tried to speak was overcome by grief. She regained her composer and continued.

"I'll be leaving on the Deadlaus as soon as Carson says I can." She whispered and drew in a shaky breath, not daring to look at him. for the first time since Ronon had met her she looked broken and small.

Ronon felt like he had been kicked. She wanted to leave? She couldn't leave!

"Why?"

"I'm a Divider." She looked down the shame written on her face. She was so easy to read now.

His gut recoiled as she spoke Seadtan slang for someone who divides a family. Someone, who dishonours the mating ceremony, While it wasn't punishable by law, they were ostracised by the community. On earth, it was known as a adultery. John had called them home wreakers. They seek for a relation with someone who was married because there was no commitment.

"In your culture, someone like me is shunned, exiled." The tears flowed down her face but her small voice never wavered. "After the movie night, I had a nightmare and couldn't sleep so I read up, wanted to know you better, where you were from, your culture but was afraid to ask, so I looked for your planet in the database. It was fascinating."

"I came across the bonding process, it was very detailed. I already thought of you as a friend and I couldn't bear it if you hated me. So I tried...to ... avoid you. Keep you at arms length. I was gonna leave. I have my letter of resignation but then the mission came up."

"I'll leave, with the Deadalus." Her voice faltered slightly.

Ronon sat back down on the bed in shock. That why she had withdrawn from him. That's why she had tried to not make friends with him. She cared that much she would leave for him and go back to earth alone. He scrubbed his hand over his face trying to figure out how to help her and with all the gentleness he had, he gripped her face and waited untill her eyes met his and then, with as much calm he could muster he quietly said.

"May, You are not a divider. He dishonoured his wife and child, not you. You trusted him and he abused that trust. You did nothing wrong."

He wiped away the tears that streamed down her face. She tried to shake her head in denial. Her whole body shook with still sobs.

"Would you have continued with him if you knew?" He made her look him in the eye.

"No, never but-"

"Did you shoot him?"

"No, but-"

"Then you are not to blame." He said keeping his voice as even as possible.

"But she said it was my fault, if I hadn't. That little girl, she lost her dad, because of me."

"May, hear me. You did nothing wrong." He interrupted her.

"It was my fault."

"How? How was it your fault?" He asked gently

"Because... because I... I mean, we...."

He saw her guilt waiver and cracks appear

Ronon saw his opening.

"You. Are. Not. To. Blame!" He said slowly allowing it to sink in.

Her resolve faltered and tears start to flow as he saw the words resound within her.

She was overwhelmed. She had been so afraid he would despise her, the relief was palatable.

"I didn't know." Her guilt starting to absolve a little. "I would've walked away if I had known. I don't care how I felt. I loved him but I would've walked away."

Ronon let go of her face and she moved to hug him again. Sobbing "I would have walked away." Her voice sounded so small.

"I know." He said rocking her, "you are a good person May."

They remained embraced for a while. He let her cry out the pain and relief she felt. He rocked her helping her to calm down. There was so much she wanted to know. She wanted to say.

"You always seem to be rescuing me." She mumbled sleepily.

"Not always," he reminded her. She couldn't help but laugh a little.  
"Don't make me laugh, it hurts."

He smiled "sorry."

He place his forehead to hers in the tradition Athosin greeting. Teyla had told her once it was to symbolise a meeting of minds, an understanding, a friendship

She sighed at the contact. she understood what Ronon was trying to say.

"Sleep, tender-heart, I'll bring you some food when you wake up."

"Promise you'll come back?" she mumbled as he lay her down, wanting the reassurance.

"I promise."

She drifted off, smiling.

Ronon watched the smile settle on her face. He had watched her sleep for a week and this was the first time she looked restful. He looked over their past conversation, it made sense now. How she would withdrawn from him when he got to close. He looked back and could see the moment where she had almost let him in only to pull back. She had tried so hard to keep him at arms lengths, and despite his teams persistence she had kept them away too. She trusted him, despite everything she had gone through, it was amazing.

He caught up to the doc.

"How is she?" He asked.

"Better. Much better."

And he walked away happier than he had felt in a long time.


	15. epilogue

2 months later.

May stood still the ban-to rod in defence. One near her face blocking for possible attack the other guarding her upper body She let her eyes relax and found her hunter view as Ronon called it. She saw John posed just inside her peripheral vision. Getting ready to attack. She remained still like Ronon had taught her.

Always let your opponent come to you, let him do the work.

His voice in her mind echoed she remain still until the very last moment, her banto stick deflected the blow. She twirled off setting the energy John used. the sticks met clashing as they moved around the floor, John on attack and May defending.

Try and use there energy rather than you own, tire them out. his voice echoed again

John came at her again she twirled and John flew past her, he pulled himself short and turned. Waiting, they circled around each other. Their foot work careful and precise. May attacked, she raise her left rod in a graceful arch which John easily block but her right stick manage to tap in above his left hip, landing the first blow of the session. She smirked at John shock expression. Then John went on the attack. He advanced towards her forcing her back; she defended as best she could remember the moves Ronon had taught her. Until her back hit the wall, her eyes wide in shock at the contact with the wall.

Always mind your surroundings and never get backed into a corner. Came the gruff voice in her head.

She silently cursed. She continued to defend looking for an escape, John's movement were powerful, but she was faster. She managed to duck and sweep her right leg out catching John of guard as he tumbled to the ground. She quickly had the rods to his throat as she sat over him. Shock once again registered in Johns face, then, he flipped them over so she was on her back and John held the rods at her throat. They breathed heavily and waited. May's mind desperate to find a move to get her out from under John, finding none

"How did you do that?" She said smiling

Johns face changed to a smirk. He slowly instructed her until once again John was on his back.

May smiled. "Cool. How do you defend that?" The banto rods forgotten in her delight.

The manoeuvre was repeated, several times, until they were back in the centre of the room and John could no longer flip them. She was, once again, posed over him breathing heavily, she looked happy and smug. So John use a different manoeuvre and she was flat on her back next to John.

May couldn't help but giggle. She looked over at the colonel and with a twinkle in her eye "almost had you."

He laughed. "Did not."

"Did too."

She stood up and offered her hand to his.

"Did not."

"I got first hit and first pin." She countered "that means you owe me two."

He groaned. They had taken a bet at the started, they never bet on the out come but first hitter didn't have to bring snack and first pinner was who got to pick the movie that night.

"Fine but if you pick The Notebook, I'm bring beer." He shot back knowing she didn't like the stuff.

"Don't worry I won't." She said as she went to retrieve the banto stick.

"See you at 7" she said as she was leaving.

"Ok."

"Thanks John, Ronon gonna be surprised when he gets back." She said as she left

And John felt like he had been punched in the gut he turned to mask it just in case she looked back.

"You do her no favours by holding back, John." Came Teyla's voice from the doorway.

He looked over his shoulders and past Teyla to make sure May was out of earshot.

"I only held back a little," he claimed. "Besides it's only been a few months, she's been training with Ronon and wanted to get some extra practice to surprise him." he finished lamely.

"I didn't mean with the training." she replied. John looked up at Teyla and her all seeing eyes

Damn

"What else can I do?" John said frustrated with this conversation. He sat down in defeat. He had seen the changes in them both, most notable in May, she had gone from the haunted shell of a person to someone who smiles, granted, not all the time but the smiles finally touch her eyes. She had opened up and was relax around them, she didn't look hollow anymore, every now and then the hurt reappeared but she was now moving forward. He had questioned the wisdom of moving into a new relationship so quickly but it worked for them. They were together all the time.   
And Ronon, every time he looked at May his eyes soften, he care deeply for May, she was Ronon's girl, end of story, as for as he was concerned.

"You're a good friend John, but their relationship is platonic. Close, but platonic."

She walked away leaving John to his thoughts.

He felt hope rising in his chest, he quickly squashed it down. He would wait 'till Ronon came back from his hunting trip and confirm before he allowed himself to hope. In the mean time, he was looking forward to the movie night they had planned.

May walked back to her quarters humming, she was please with herself. Her shoulder had healed, and Ronon had been teaching her how to defend herself. While he was off world, she had been practicing each morning with John.

She had handed her report into Elizabeth about the ruins. She had found a reference to it in the data base. It had been a trap for the wraith. Not a well thought out trap. The ruins made a medium size room, with no windows or doors. It transported the wraith from the outside to the inside but who ever made it hadn't thought it out because there was nothing in the database that mentioned what the ancients did to the wraith once they was captured. May had noted the entry was at the near the end of the database and had theorised that the ancient had been at the height of the war. And so the project having no real use was abandon. Ronon's observations along with her own made her think that a wraith must have been captured and broke free somehow, destroying the building in the process.

She had put the report to bed but had been practicing the duel language for fun.

She quickly showered and made her way to her office ready to start the day. She felt at peace.

Fin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. Finished. Finally


End file.
